Living up to my Malluness

-

     There’s an old folklore that when Neil Armstrong landed on the moon he was shocked to see a Nair tea stall (check out the evidence). Mallus (a certain sect believe that they are the south Indian sardars) generally believe in pompous celebrations and gaiety. We’re earmarked for our drinking abilities (I’ve mentioned this before) and feast on meat like piranha.
      To be knighted a mallu, there are certain precautionary measures to be taken care of;
Rule #1: Should be born in Kerala to mallu parents. Our explanation of native location is pretty weird. Eg: Which part of Kerala are you from? Cochin. Oh nice. Actually not Cochin, about 200 kms from there (Objects in mirror appear closer than they actually are).
Rule#2: Coconut oil is a part of your diet, skincare (for the ignorant, hair is part of skin too), rituals and lubrication (for cranky parts, don’t get me wrong).
Rule#3: What’s in a name? A rose would smell as sweet even if known by another name. People look at my signature and guess that I’m a mallu (Proudly, pumping fists!). Ousepp, Chacko, Govindan could be first names, middle names or even surnames. I’ve had the ignominy of having my last name spelt in at least 10 different ways (for a 8 letter word, that’s pretty disgusting).
Rule#4: The annual census shows that you have to spend some part of your life either in the gelf (the pronunciation came up even before Lolakutty got out of her diapers) or in the states (Philadelphia or Florida; Canadians are not eligible to participate). We would work as paid labourers in either country, but wouldn't budge a muscle in our own state.
Rule#5: Malayali jokes arise from movies in the early 90’s. If you haven’t watched those, you’re going to be part of clueless conversations. The alternate option includes watching Priyadarshan directed hindi movies in the last 5 years.
Original joke: Gafoorkka: Caliphorniyayilekku charakku kettan pona uruvanu, ingakku randaalkummendi benangi njammalathu dubai kadappuram bazhi thirichu bidaam. (Elderly Gafur: yeh boat California ja rahe hain. Aapko chahiye tho dubai coast se hum jaa sakte hain).
The difference: In the Hindi version, the characters burst out in laughter. The hapless audience join in.
Rule#6: If you have it, you have to flaunt it. Be it a benz (we like to call it by its original name), huge mansions, or hairy legs (view permitted with the folding of traditional attire for men), the philosophy is the same. Sreesanth flaunts his shamelessness. We drink Rum or Brandy (or toddy). For the gelf people, Scotch is part of their daily diet.
Rule#7: Marriages are depicted by gold mines. The women are covered with so much gold that the ancient gold diggers would be astonished. We also love to cover everything in plastic. From remote controls to fridges.
Rule#8: The age old recipe to thick moustaches. With the advent of mallu heroes in their folded lungis (no frills version of the dhoti), we are proud of our whiskers. Our heroes also prefer English dialogues in the main scenes (scroll down to the bottom for additional info).
Rule#9: The most disconcerting factor of our language is the usage of 15 dialects in 14 states (each district has a numeric representation for vehicles based on their geographic positioning. KL-1 is Trivandrum and KL-14 is Kasargod. #15 is KSRTC – for the ignorant mallus). Only highly capable linguists can decipher the dialects.
Rule#10: Most importantly, we’re well-informed and have good memories. There’s no other way to recognize your mom’s third uncle’s wife’s second brother’s daughter’s father-in-law at an occasion and discuss old times.
Rule#11: I could have stopped at the last one. It was the perfect 10. But, there’s no way that I could leave this one out. Initially Kerala had 2 political parties. The Indian National congress and the Communist Party of India. And then we learnt English alphabets. INC (A), INC (B), INC (C)… If you didn’t like the leader of your party, fear not! There’s a party with your initial waiting to be created.
<><><> <><><><><>
US satellites have recently captured the secret formula for our Ingredient X
      So why is everyone so bothered about Mallus? Wherever I go, people talk about the mallu narrow mindedness, selfishness, oily hair (only Silpa Shetty is allowed shiny hair; humbug! Expect a shampoo to do coconut oil shininess) and of course our rapidly spoken language. People don’t realize that Allepey is just like every other part of Kerala, and culturally rich community. We respect all religions and celebrate our festivals with unity and harmony. And to be honest, I totally appreciate Mr. Tharoor's efforts to get us an IPL team. Maybe we have a MTI (mother tongue influenced) problem. But guess what? It’s because we speak in English, that it gets noticed. On the whole, God’s own country has its share of angels and devils. And our behavioural attributes have nothing to do with our oiled hair.

P.S: Why did the Mallu cross the road? – Simbly
(What did you say? Beggars? Maybe we are poor...coolies...trolley pullers...but we are not beggars! You enjoy this status in life bcoz of our sweat and blood! Let it be the last time...if you dare to say that word once more, I will pull out your bloody tongue!)

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Time and Tide – Sorry, I’m late

-
Image
     “Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.” - Evelyn Waugh.      Someone once remarked that IST was originally an acronym for Indian Stretchable Time. Are we Indians so bad when it comes to respecting (more likely disrespecting) the value of time? Read on to unveil the greatest myth of the new era.      The discovery of time was the biggest mistake. Why do we need a device to measure (and magnify) our slowness? A large sect of today’s population has the notion that if you're there before it's over, you're well on time. And it’s true to a large extent. The reason being that no one important is ever present to appreciate your punctuality. As a kid, my teachers emphasized on the virtues of character, punctuality, discipline and etiquettes. Strangely enough, I’ve reported to half a dozen people in my corporate life. And only one of them stressed on punctuality (do I have to provide an explanation for the rest of the...
Read more

Romancing the language

-
Image
" I know such English that I will leave the British behind. You see sir, I can talk English, I can walk English, I can laugh English, I can run English, because English is such a funny language. Bhairo becomes Byron because their minds are very narrow. In the year 1929 when India was playing Australia at the Melbourne stadium Vijay Hazare and Vijay Merchant were at the crease. Vijay Merchant told Vijay Hazare. look Vijay Hazare Sir , this is a very prestigious match and we must consider it very prestigiously. We must take this into consideration, the consideration that this is an important match and ultimately this consideration must end in a run. In the year 1979 when Pakistan was playing against India at the Wankhede stadium Wasim Raja and Wasim Bari were at the crease and they took the same consideration. Wasim Raja told Wasim Bari, look Wasim Bari, we must consider this consideration and considering that this is an important match we must put this consideration in...
Read more

Stop and Proceed

-
Image
“When real people fall down in life, they get right back up and keep on walking.” - Michael King This post has been on the backburner for over 6 weeks now and the drought has no correlation with my current location, 14,305 Kms (8,888 mi, can’t disappoint my negligible reader base in the US of A) away from home. 9 months; this length of time has never been more significant in my life. Do we remember our childhoods? Yes, to a certain degree. I remember most parts of my life since the time I was 3. Not every single day, but the significant aspects of it. But do we remember how we learnt to walk, to run and perhaps, to jump? I remember my first race. I had to run to one end, put my cap on, run back and pick up my bag, and finally run to the finish line. I even remember my prize, a disposable Kodak camera. As I stood on top of the pedestal, I felt light. Over the years, my parents would joke that the wind helped me get to the finish line quicker than everyone else. In an ins...
Read more