Yem Bee Yea

     When someone asks you the question with a million dollar smile (the “would you fall in love with me” requires a traumatic constipated look) about your educational qualification/background, rest assured. It’s just another new kid on the block, bloating with pride about his acquisition of management practices. Or, as they portray it to the rest of the world.

     Once upon a time (not in Mumbaai, of course!) even I wanted do an MBA (contrary to common statements, you can’t be an MBA – it’s only a degree). I was just another engineering student, didn’t see a future in software jobs (because my aggregate was like company appraisals, always below expectations), and most importantly didn’t see anything in life beyond the end of the 8th Semester (other than writing arrears/back papers/supplementary exams). It’s quite a farce that my arrears included the number of exams the University posted for the 4 year tenure. I joined TIME – people consider it to be the lamp, rub it and the genie pops out. A month into it, I figured out that the coaching classes (mallus love this word – kids go to tuition coaching classes, adolescents to engineering coaching classes and youth to TIME coaching classes) weren’t as interesting as the actual exams. 6 months later, the exam was complete. And finally, it dawned on me. The MBA didn’t hold any interest for me. It was the aptitude test, and only the aptitude test that had inculcated my interest. I wasn’t going to get myself into another 2 years of school and exams. Not for a million dollars.

     Over the past 4 years, I’ve watched the people who work with me. Especially the ones that have conquered the coveted title (it seems so unfair that only doctors are allowed to put their MBBS next to their names). And sometimes I wonder how those two years changed their lives. Let me provide a few instances which might support my argument.

Q: Do you read books? Ans: Of course I do, I did my MBA.

Q: What’s the capital of Goa? Ans: Hmm, Goa was a Union Territory. So, Pondicherry.

Q: What do u think is the main concept of marketing? Ans: Selling something.

     I do realize that this might be a problem with the majority of the crowd. And yet, it astounds me when I hear people talk like this. So why is there such a large disparity between the IIM graduates and the rest of the crowd?

     One major suggestion in my mind is to rectify the whole screening process. Candidates unaware of India’s history, geography or economic conditions should be filtered out in the initial rounds. The next round should include a real-time scenario related to punctuality. At least 70% of the candidates will have to leave after that round, i.e. if they make it in time for the test. The final round should have them write an essay/email regarding why they want to do an MBA. If it exposes enough spelling/grammatical mistakes, they have to go back and work on it. On the other hand, if there is at least one usage of chat lexicon, the candidate should be made to read the newspaper (not Delhi/Bangalore times supplement) and learn the actual spellings of words. We don’t need our managers to have “lol” and “rofl” in their emails.

     So for all the MBA aspirants, beware of D-day (i.e. when if I come into the board of directors for higher education in India). People fail to understand that in order to be a better manager, a management degree isn’t the primary requisite. Personal discipline coupled with factors such as punctuality, knowledge and inter-person skills validate a person’s role. If When someone reaches to that level, probably a degree to compliment his abilities might be nice-to-have. Till then, you’re just another Yem-Bee-Yea.

     “A fact is a simple statement that everyone believes. It is innocent, unless found guilty. A hypothesis is a novel suggestion that no one wants to believe. It is guilty, until found effective.”

 - Edward Teller

P.S: For more MBA jokes, http://arbitmba.com/